Jayme.

Musing: New Hope.

2012-02-21T11:14:00.003+08:00

New Hope Cambodia. A place Ethan is very passionate about, and the place I am dying to go to. That's Ethan's favourite girl by the way, hahaha.

What are doing with our lives? Are we just too caught up in trying to earn more money for our better future? Are we just too focused on doing things for our own future? Doing the things we like, even trying hard to do things we don't like because we are chasing our own dreams? It's good, you know, to be earning money, chasing dreams, looking forward to our future... but then, what about the people who really, literally, cannot afford to chase their dreams..?

At one end we are all complaining about how little we earn, how we need to save up for our house and our car, fret over not striking lottery... Believe it or not, there are people out there who really earn a hundred times less than how much we earn. This puny amount isn't just for one person alone, but for the entire family.

At one end we are all complaining about how difficult life is for us at work, how shitty life is at home with a wife who isn't understanding... Believe it or not, there are people out there who literally do shit work, and have a family of sick kids.

At one end we are all complaining about how shitty food is served at a certain restaurant, or how your mother always cooks food that tastes like shit... Believe it or not, there are people out there who literally only eat a spoonful of rice, and that's all for the day.

At one end we are all complaining about everything we have... Believe it or not, there are people out there who have nothing we have. A piece or clothing, maybe two, is all they have.

Shall we stop what we are doing for a few seconds? Think about how ungrateful we have been for things that have been given to us, by God's grace? Think about how we can start helping the people who are less fortunate than us?

Here's how you can help, you can donate, and visit this site.

A little effort goes a long way...

Episode: John Carter

2012-02-20T10:34:00.009+08:00

Oh this is gonna be hot, you gotta watch this trailer:

*Shrieks!* *Beats Ethan's sexy chest* I. WANT. TO. WATCH! (We were just talking about the movie in the car yesterday)

In case you don't know what's the movie about, here's the synopsis:
"From Academy Award®–winning filmmaker Andrew Stanton comes “John Carter”—a sweeping action-adventure set on the mysterious and exotic planet of Barsoom (Mars). “John Carter” is based on a classic novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, whose highly imaginative adventures served as inspiration for many filmmakers, both past and present. The film tells the story of war-weary, former military captain John Carter (Taylor Kitsch), who is inexplicably transported to Mars where he becomes reluctantly embroiled in a conflict of epic proportions amongst the inhabitants of the planet, including Tars Tarkas (Willem Dafoe) and the captivating Princess Dejah Thoris (Lynn Collins). In a world on the brink of collapse, Carter rediscovers his humanity when he realizes that the survival of Barsoom and its people rests in his hands."

Man, so what would I do, or imagine my life, if I'm in Mars now? First thing, I make sure Ethan is here with me (Y)

He shall suffer together with me, muahahahaha~

Then I make sure I have my phone with me because it's time to camwhore. Like this:

What, don't expect me to look chio and un-sweaty in another planet okay!

If I'd known I would have brought my bananas with me. I would've showered and dressed nicely and look like this:

There's no point putting makeup when the aliens there are going to look hideous, I'm going to look prettier than them anyway.

Then, being the usual friendly me, I'll go up to the (scary-looking) aliens... *Takes three steps forward, two steps back*

(Ohmigut his eyes look like glossy stress balls)

Me: Lalala Lololo Walalala? *Hope he understands my alien language*

Mr Big-Eyed-Alien: What? (Oh so he speaks English...)

Me: *looking totally amazed* Just asking if I can take a photo with you, actually. I'm a tourist, you see.. (I'm gonna be rich!)

Mr Big-Eyed-Alien: I don't take photos with sweaty people like you, no.

#facepalm

SO UNFRIENDLY >;( At least give a better excuse lah! E.g. I look prettier, you're inferior, right? -_-

Me: ... Iis there anything I can eat here? I'm a fruitarian by the way. I prefer papayas to bananas but my favourite is still mangoes. Anywhere I can get them?

Mr Big-Eyed-Alien: We don't eat here, everyone is on a diet.

#facepalm *2

Seriously, I prefer being on earth with more friendly humans around -_-

HOW TO COME BACK TO EARTH? I DON'T WANT TO DIE HERE IN A LAND OF ALIENS!

Man, the more I imagine, the more I feel scared. I still prefer living on Mother Earth where I can:

Eat my bananas and make stupid faces,

Stuff my mouth with persimmon,

Camwhore at home and

Be in love with Ethan.

I still being on Earth is better than finding myself in Mars, facing thousands of aliens (but actually I'm the alien lol lol lol).

Anyway, catch John Carter this 8th March 2012 and like the Official Disney Studios Singapore Facebook Page and follow @DisneystudiosSG on Twitter!

Episode: Driving's boring!

2012-02-19T19:39:00.006+08:00

So here are some photos I've taken in Ethan's car when we were on our way to Malaysia to meet Mami.

It was so jam at the immigration custom, we got bored and went crazy singing old songs, and me, as usual, taking self-shots.

Okay, this is a shot of myself with a mouth full of bananas before Ethan came over to pick me up.

When can I start appreciating my chubby cheeks?

Ha, Ethan looks like he gained weight!

That's not all the photos we took, but urgh the rest of the shots are so blur and my chubby face -_-

Estella (Ethan's elder sis) says I look better in real life because I always give "pattern-face" in photos. Lol, okay I should start acting chio in photos from now on.

Chio bo? Hahahaha.

This one confirm chio, natural blush lor!

Man, gotta love myself, chubby cheeks or not! Hahahaha :D

Rant: Hacked!

2012-02-18T21:38:00.004+08:00

Here's a screenshot of my email:

Like huh?!?! This freaking email was sent to ALL my Gmail contacts!

I've changed my password again, and Gmail, please let me be confident this thing won't happen again :(

It's 43 minutes past my sleeping time, but since it's Sunday tomorrow, I'm allowed to wake up later than usual so...

Nevertheless, I'm going to sleep now. So, goodnight y'all midnight owls!

Rant: More and more cui...

2012-02-17T16:25:00.005+08:00

Got a shock of my life when I woke up this morning to those dark circles under my eyes. Plopped on foundation under my eyes, but I guess I made it worse.

So here's an outlook of my eyes now, photo taken only two minutes ago.

Cannot see the full jialat-ness, but it is really bad!

So my resolution is this...
I will sleep at 9pm everyday.

I will take an after shot of my eyes on the 24th of February, to show you the difference of sleeping 10 hours a day everyday for a week.

Also, I will eats loads of fruits (as if I'm not doing it already -_-) and drink at least 3L of water a day.

Give me one week, and see the results for yourself!

Musing: My Best Friend.

2012-02-17T09:45:00.003+08:00

We haven't talked for three years, and I really miss her. I miss the crazy times we had, the angry times we had, every moment we had. It was such a shame that I let her go because of a guy, and I regret so much till this day.

I miss you so much.

I miss the makeup sessions we had.
I miss the photo-taking sessions we had.
I miss the shopping sprees we had.
I miss the heart to heart talk we had.
I miss the night-time calls we had.
I miss the song writing sessions we had.
I miss the voice recording sessions we had.
I miss the laughter and tears we shared.
I miss the hugs we had.

Each time I see other best friends' photos, I think of you.

Let's meet up and relive those memories, alright?

How to: Save Money $

2012-02-16T10:17:00.001+08:00

When it comes to saving money, I'm nothing but an expert. I go low budget everyday, and I spend less than $10 on my three meals a day and I never starve. Keep in mind I pay for ALL my meals, ALL my stuff and I claim from no one. Alright, I used to claim from my Dad, but that was when I was still studying.

Don't you think that we spend a lot in the things that we do not need, every single day? When it comes to paying for the things we need (i.e. HIGH quality food), we often hesitate whether to spend the money or not..?

So here are my 5-Cs method to help you save money and see the figures in your bank account rise!

1. Compartmentalize

This is what I do when I receive my pay cheque. Let'say for example, my gross monthly income is $1000/month. That doesn't mean my take-home pay is $1000, because in Singapore, there is such thing called the Central Provident Fund (CPF) whereby 20% of your monthly salary will go to your CPF account so that you can pay for your house, your education or your child's education, your hospitalization fees, etc. Oh and you get to retrieve the balance of your CPF when you retire.

So, if my monthly income is $1000, my take home pay is $800. Then I compartmentalize. Compartmentalize means I set aside the maximum amount of money I am going to spend for a certain thing.

This is how I compartmentalize if my pay is $1000:

Thumb rule is to deduct the most important first. I first deduct CPF because that's beyond my control. Then I deduct my savings. For now, I use my legs to commute to work everyday, and Ethan fetches me home with his car after work, I spend $0 on transport. So I have an extra 10% of income, and it goes straight to my savings.

Speaking of savings, I have opened up a POSB MySavings Account, whereby it deducts a certain amount of money from your main account to this account on a monthly basis. You can set the amount and the date of transfer anytime by logging in to your iBanking account.

2. Consider & Compare

There are really some things that you want to buy, but you don't need. I am the weakest at this, but still considerably manageable. For me, my weakest point is Gmarket, because it has a wide range of things (CLOTHES!!) sold at a very cheap price!

I mean of course I need clothes, but don't overspend! When you FEEEEEEEEEL like buying that dress, stop and think again. Do I really need it? Wait for a month, and if you really think you need it, want it badly, then get it.

I've considered getting a Vita-Mix blender for eight months! I'm getting it next month from my Yogurt Place manager, who can get it for me at a discounted price! The timing just so happens when my regular ~~lousy~~ blender died on me. Ha, God-sent timing lol.

Another factor of considering for me is my fruits-expenditure. Let's say I give myself a maximum of $10/day on fruits. Since I need a bare minimum of 2500 fruit-calories a day, I need to consider wisely on my choice of fruits. A banana is around 100 calories, so I need 25 bananas, which is around 2 full bunches of bananas. It costs me around $5? Or 4 bunches of Philippines cavendish bananas for $6. However, I don't want to just eat bananas all day, I need variety! I love papayas but the calories are relatively low, so I need to eat a lot of them, which means buying more papayas or other variety of another fruit. At the end of the day, my fruit-expenditure is capped at $10/day.

Ever experienced buying a dress at $50 and then realize that somewhere else sells exactly the same thing at $20? Reminds me of yesterday... I wore my $50-dress to work, and a co-worker squeaked excitedly that she has the EXACT same dress with the same material. Guess what, she only paid $20 for it. *mutters complains*

Compare the prices! Unless you really think it's fine spending $50 on a dress, then that's okay. Though I'd rather walk around and find a nice $20 dress with exact same good quality.

3. Cheapo vs Charitable

This links closely with the previous point. There are some things you cannot be cheapo with. Man, you have to consider what are the things you can afford to be cheapo with and what are the things you have to spend.

For me, I rather spend $300 on a high-speed and good quality blender than spending $90 on a regular ~~lousy~~ blender that will die on me in less than half a year.

Here are some things I have been cheapo with:
1. Clothes

I have been shopping at Gmarket, it has a wide range of very cheap clothes it's disgusting! I don't intend to wear these clothes for life, because my size and my taste will differ over time, and I can give the clothes I don't wear to The Salvation Army.

2. Accessories

Also at Gmarket for my rings, earrings, etc. It is disgustingly cheap...

3. Fruits

That's a picture by Michael Arnstein a.k.a. The Fruitarian when he was preparing for his Leadville 100 Miles ultramarathon!

I buy fruits from wherever that is cheaper. I buy "over-ripe" fruits for a cheaper price so I can buy more and spend less. I make friends with the people who sell them so they charge me for a cheaper price. I become a "regular" bananas-papayas-buyer from a fruit stall at a market opposite my house, she sells me really cheap for many fruits!

Then here are some things I won't be cheapo with:
1. Blender
You know, Vita-Mix..?

2. Furniture

I've had enough of spending on cheap furniture that lasts for less than a year. My aunt just bought me a cloth-covered "wardrobe" and it lasted me for... three minutes before it eventually collapsed.

3. Education
It is an investment, because once I get another cert, my salary raises. Neither will I be stingy on my kid(s)' education in future, because I want the best for them!

4. My kids

If I ever have kids in future, I will never be stingy on them. Of course, have to consider if the things I get for them are necessary or not right!

So here are my 5-Cs for saving money. You know I am absolutely sincere about this because usually ladies won't reveal about their plans on savings, but I just did. I'm glad I started working/saving early than to regret in later years when I'm older when I only have a few coins left in my pocket.

Start saving now, it is definitely beneficial for you, especially when you don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Random: What's for lunch?

2012-02-15T12:37:00.005+08:00

I love the flower ring <3

It's lunch time now, and just a quick post on my lunch.

You guessed it, it's...

BANANAS! I'm gonna devour them all :)

That constipated face because I was munching on a banana. Yummmm.

What's your lunch today? :)

Random: Valentine's Day ♥ part 2

2012-02-14T17:17:00.005+08:00

Pictures only, if you don't mind :)

Thank you my love. You made this day so special :')

Random: Valentine's Day ♥

2012-02-14T08:51:00.006+08:00

It's Valentine's Day today, and I expect a bouquet of flowers from Ethan! Or my face will look like this:

"But you promised!"

He always says I look very troubled.

I can imagine the entire scenario...

*Enters the car empty-handed and freaking upset as if my whole world came tumbling down, rocks falling over my shoulders, looking like this:

Because I totally expected him to send a bouquet of roses to my workplace.*

Ethan: 为什么这么愁哦？(Why look so moody?)
Jayme: 我的花呢？(Where is my bouquet?)*Gives sad-looking puppy eyes and start bawling*

Just that I'm a girl, and a pretty one too. Yes, I cry pretty!

Just then, he gets out of the car looking regretful and sorrowful. Then opens the door at my side, grabs my hand and opens the car boot.

Oh yeah, tell me my life rocks!

Actually I'd prefer roses to chrysanthemum. Hahaha.
Let's see how the day goes! *Fingers crossed*

P/S Am I materialistic to desire to get flowers? No, because I've never received bouquet before ever in my life! I can definitely live without it, but still... *squeaks in most girlish kiddish tone* I'd love a bouquet of flowers on this special day!

I'm looking forward to a bouquet of flowers, that's definitely the best gift I can receive from Ethan on Valentine's Day :) I have prepared my gifts as well, hope he likes them :)

Anyway, just wanna wish all couples out there a very happy Valentine's day! 其实爱对了人，情人节每天都过~ (In fact when you fall in love with the right person, everyday is V-day!)

Musing: Back to then.

2012-02-14T00:00:00.000+08:00

Moving on, I am so skilled in moving on. I was just losing sleep a couple of months ago, over the choice of withdrawing from the relationship. I remember vividly how I was painfully wrangling with my weak emotions, it was as if I was engulfed by the angry storm.

In the midst of struggling, he entered into the picture. The scene of how we met is fixed in my heart, and has been constantly summoned to my mind. It has never failed to make me smile widely each time I think of it. He is such a darling, and I have never met another like him.

Oh how my heart flutters when I see him, how my lips stretch into a grin when I hear his voice - I am so irrevocably in love!

I promised him never to leave him, and that actually also means I will never let him go. Never let him go.

Happy Valentine's Day to you, Dear. You are the reason for this season.

Random: What I like about iPhone 4S.

2012-02-13T17:02:00.004+08:00

I just got my iPhone 4S a little more than two months ago, and here are some of my favourite features of the gadget:

1. Front camera!
It is no secret that I am vain and a little too narcissistic, I love to take photos of myself. The front camera is just perfect for this hobby of mine!

Here are some example shots I've taken at work. Zero makeup, zero edit, but still confident of myself nevertheless:

Smile widely :)

Chubby cheeks.

I know you won't be surprised if I start posting more narcissistic photos of myself over here at this space.

Actually that is the only reason why I got the iPhone 4S, not really for Siri because it is kind of useless in Singapore. It doesn't understand Singlish, doesn't show me where is the nearest place I can get my bananas (everywhere in Singapore has a supermarket, why should I fret?), and it doesn't want to marry me no matter how many times I proposed.

2. Siri
Okay, just a little bit on Siri (please choose to ignore the rant above about how I think Siri is useless). My ex-colleague said "F*** you" to Siri, and she replied "Ooooooh!" That's something!

Another colleague tried the trick, and guess what she said... "Now! Now!"

Okay that's funny. Since I don't really use F-word, it's only entertaining when friends who use the word around. That's only for that few seconds of laughter... and then awkward silence.

3. It's rectangular, and flat

This is definitely much nicer and juicier than...

This.

I'm sure all of you agree with me, right?!

Other than that, I find the phone more or less similar to my iPhone 3GS in terms of features. I don't play games that much, besides Smurfs, Mahjong, Spider Solitaire and occasionally Tiny Wings when I'm bored. I use it only to take photos, tweet, Facebook, and 30 Bananas a Day. Oh, and not to forget, to text and call Ethan. Hahaha :)

I still prefer the iPhone 4S, because camwhoring is so much easier, ha! It's so much easier to get their accessories as well. I remember looking high and low for my iPhone 3GS cover, such a hassle, didn't like the experience.

I apologize for this mediocre post, but at least it's still something next to nothing. Ha.

Episode: Our date at the Reservoir.

2012-02-13T11:00:00.006+08:00

After the traditional movie marathon my Boyfriend and I practice during the weekends, he surprised me with a trip to Seletar Reservoir before sending me home. We wanted to see the sunset together.
Well, because of the cloudy weather, we didn't see any sunset, but we saw little monkeys. Glad I finished my bananas at his house, otherwise they would have been robbed away from me by these little creatures!

Here's one monkey taken from inside Ethan's car.
Nevertheless, the trip there was enjoyable. We watched a couple taking their wedding photo shoot, talked about photography as he showed me some photos he took in the Reservoir and Chinatown. They were beautiful.
I discovered that we are similar in a way, but we are also different. Like we both love photography. He likes to take photo because he wants to take photos of the children in Cambodia, the nature, the environment. For me, I like to look at photos. The photos I take are usually photos of myself, like this one:

(No make-up, no edit, believe it or not. Click here to see the benefits I have after going RAW)
And the people I love, like this collage:

I enjoy quality time together with my lover like that, not really doing anything, but also doing something together. It makes the relationship fresh and ... cute :)

Song: Up Your Fame

2011-12-11T00:49:00.001+08:00

I can use words that I know
To name my weaknesses
Though the words are small and few

I can use words that I know
To paint the perfection
That You have shown to me

But words can never be enough
Words are just words

How can I stop
Singing Your praise
How can I put to a halt
And snatch Your fame

How can I stop
Bringing You praise
How can I put a halt
In upping Your fame

Random: Cursing?

2011-12-10T07:40:00.002+08:00

Every time I come to this page, I laid my hands on the keyboard and started typing. Then I started backspacing. Like now.

I do not even know what I am talking about, what I want to talk about, what I should talk about.

We are invariably engaged in situations that we want to talk about something, and as we type out the words in our minds, we just backspace it, are we not?

I have been told that the things that make us unclean are not things that we put into our mouths, but the things that come out of our mouths. It's not the piece of unwashed apple that I eat makes me unclean, nor the cockroaches some humans in the world eat, but the words we use make us unclean.

Cursing makes us unclean. When we curse, we endanger someone's life with our words. To add on, the thought of cursing is unclean. Yes, everyone curses in their minds. No, just don't entertain the thought. It is that simple.

The reason why we shouldn't curse should be a post saved for another day... I just pray that all of us, including myself, will be committed not to curse for today.

Rant: I am not good.

2011-12-09T22:56:00.001+08:00

I can feign, professionally, not to call to mind a single thing that happened. I have done it so well that even I am fooled.

I just count on that day, when we finally meet eye to eye, you will tell me you feel the same. I have kept it uncovered for weeks upon weeks, until I eventually confessed dolefully that I missed you.

I have failed awfully. I'm really not good at this.

No, I am not stopping here. I am gonna pick myself up and move on. We all go to work, don't we?

Rant: Peace

2011-12-06T23:21:00.001+08:00

I get tired too easily, I gave up too quickly, I guess. I know it was working out, I know we could work things out.

Conveying that I'm okay is falsehood, though divulging my heartache is likewise distasteful. I'm clueless of how I should feel, how I should respond to this loss. Am I still gonna rub my eyes tonight again?

I wish God can find my heart worthy for a vacation. No. I want Him to stay with me forever. It's tiresome to advocate happiness when it isn't tangible enough for me to hold. It's burdensome being someone I don't want to be..

I demand peace in my heart. Really.

Rant: Hangover

2011-12-04T10:16:00.001+08:00

My gut is dying to escape
My head just won't stop spinning
It's hard to shake this feeling away
Serves me right for drinking

I did things that I won't remember
I said things that I have regretted
I wish I could disappear forever
So I won't feel so embarrassed

How do I face them tomorrow
I really really have no clue
Of course I know life still goes on
But I hope what happened last night ain't true

This is the consequence of drinking
A very bad hangover
Words can't explain how I'm feeling
I pray that it will soon be over

Rant: What on earth is this logic?

2011-12-03T12:33:00.001+08:00

Let's talk about love
I'm not very confident
I just whacked the toddler
But that's what she deserves

I'm tired of seeing Gran being bullied
Every day and every night
Just because she is just a baby
Three words "We Can't Fight"

What on earth is this logic?
Someone please enlighten me
That when I defended my Granny
The one who got snapped at was me

I'm washing my hands off this issue
I'll never say another word about it
I'll never waste another piece of tissue
Because crying over this is not worth it

Episode: Unspoken.

2011-11-10T20:03:00.001+08:00

He's one of a kind. Like a humble lion who is willing to shave his mane to cover his shivering wife.

Should I start on how it all happened? Nothing. Nothing happened, but it just happened. If there really is a reason, it's gonna be me being too selfish and childish.

But always, always, at the end of the day, I'd smile and know that his love is still with me. Why is it? Just because it is. How do I know it? Just because I know it.

Rant: I miss her.

2011-10-30T22:38:00.001+08:00

Remember this song?

It has been so long
Since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
Hoping they will never change

Cos what we have can't be replaced...

Saw you on Friday night. By the look of us, things have really changed.

I miss you, my best friend. I miss you so much.

On the Feet: Training Schedule for the week.

2011-09-04T16:00:00.006+08:00

This week's training schedule:

Sunday, 4 September 2011
~~A.M. Run: 10KM (SAFRA Singapore Bay Run & Army Half Marathon [Race Event])~~ Completed See Race Report
~~P.M. Run: 2KM (Speedwork)~~ Completed

Monday, 5 September 2011
~~A.M. Run: 12KM (Mileage training)~~ Completed
P.M. Run: 2KM (Speedwork)

Tuesday, 6 September 2011
A.M. Swim: 20 laps (Cross-training)
P.M. Rest

Wednesday, 7 September 2011
A.M. Run: 12KM (Mileage training)
P.M. Run: 2KM (Speedwork)

Thursday, 8 September 2011
A.M. Run: 12KM (Mileage training)
P.M. Run: 2KM (Speedwork)

Friday, 9 September 2011
A.M. Run: 12KM (Mileage training)
P.M. Run: 2KM (Speedwork)

Saturday, 10 September 2011
- Rest Day - Sabbath -

To Bb: just an update for you regarding my training. Take care, and I miss you!

On the Feet: SAFRA Singapore Bay Run & Army Half Marathon

2011-09-04T12:11:00.003+08:00

If you are following me on Twitter, it is no surprise for you that I started running all over again after my two months hiatus because of my injured back.

I started training for my race, which took place this morning, just a few weeks ago. It was a short 10K race. I started from running 2km everyday for six days for the first week, and consequently added 2km each week for my mileage. Not so much on speed until the week when I ran 8km (which was two weeks ago).

I realized the importance of cross-training, which I started practicing during my 8K-week. I swam for 20 laps of breaststroke in the pool, feeling revitalized and energy-boosted for more. I knew my limits and thus cross-training day means cross-training day, no running for me.

During my 10K-week, started on the Sunday before today, just one week ago, I finally experienced what it was like for breaking my limits. It was raining cats and dogs on Monday, but you could still spot me on the feet, training as hard as I would on a normal day. I don't know if it was the slippery road, or my not-so-rough-sole, that I twisted my ankle or something. I had a tough week, and did not fancy training with a sore ankle everyday. I was glad I did, because the pain slowly subsided day after day, and I regained my confidence in the race again.

Just on Friday, I made my PR during training, 11km in one hour. I went for a second run at 2pm, just an hour after my heavy lunch, and died at the third mile. I jogged my way back home. I dragged home not just my tired body, but also the lesson that I reallllly have to wait for 2-3 hours after meal before running.

It was a tiring weekend with a sleepless camp just before the race. I flopped to the bed at 6pm, and read some really interesting articales on my Runner-Idol, Kara Goucher and snored unknowingly until 7.30pm. I woke up for a nice shower and collapsed into dreamland at 9pm, awaiting to wake up at 6am the next morning (today).

It was a long night. I had many nightmares of me not being able to reach the race on time, late for an hour, not completing it within expected time. I woke up countless times because of my anxiety. I wanted to call Bb, and suddenly remembered that he's in the plane to Melbourne. Finally, the hard fact of him being away in Melbourne for six weeks sunk into my mind. Took me quite awhile to get back to sleep.

The alarm went off at 6am, I got up refreshed. Spent my Quiet Time with God, had my carb-breakfast and off I went to the race site - City Hall Padang. It was a long ride in the train. The walk to the destination was even longer. Many runners and NSFs walked alongside with me, and I felt this indescribable, unsaid bond among us - we are all here for one thing: to finish the race.

I attached my timing chip to my beloved Nike+ Lunar Elite. Saw familiar faces (Baosheng, Germanium and Dexing) at the starting line. When the gun went off, my feet started running. It felt awesome.

Throughout the race, I didn't stop for any water station other than the last, at 8.6km. I was squeezed to the water station by the other runners, and well, no harm getting a drink for myself. I gulped down the 100PLUS drink and threw the remnants away into the bin. It was a fatal mistake. I felt my body reacting, and my already-upset stomach went berserk. I hanged on.

At the junction where all 5K, 10K and half marathon runners meet to complete the last kilometer together, I increased my speed. I didn't even bother checking the pace with my Nike+ sportband, my mind was fixed on this: Fight till the End.

I sprinted at the last 800M, and completed the 10K race at 1:07:34. I was, well, a little disappointed but I know my limits. Coming from a sleepless camp with massive physical training (glad I wasn't a BB boy, who had to do even strenuous than I had), and an injured ankle and tight hamstring. I did my best. I didn't give up, I ran all the way. I overtook many army boys, and all I can say is, I enjoyed every second of the race.

Getting geared up for my next 10K before I continue with my training for half-marathon. No more races coming up for me this year. Gonna save some $, and spend time training for my next race. Hopefully by January, and that's the time when I'll complete 10K in sub 40min.

I set my expectation high. I train harder everyday. Nothing is impossible for me. Just do it.

Fruitarianism: Transformation! Before and After photos!

2011-08-04T22:28:00.014+08:00

Hesitant about posting this but well, here it goes...

Abv: HCRV - High carb raw vegan, basically just fruitarianism

2009, before HCRV
Average weight: 58kg

Here's my photo from two years ago, with a group of classmates:

Can't tell which is me? Here, I've cropped it for you:

T_T

In Sentosa, and was feasting on greasy pork ribs, pandan cakes, sushis, etc.

Cheering competition. Look at the most left.

Prom night. Worst.Night.Ever.TYVM

2010, before HCRV
Average weight: Fluctuating between 50-56kg = 53kg
50kg when I calorie-restricted, 56kg when I yoyo-ed back after dieting

In Hong Kong:

Bae Yong Jun introducing fat girl from SP.

And a candid shot of me in Fuk Lam church (Hong Kong).

Another candid shot of me in Fuk Lam church. No wonder I had the nickname from my teacher: Miss Ball...

That's Jamie and I with the *clears throat* white tiger.

Us again, now a nearer shot of my chubby face.

Fish spa. Can't see clearly? Fret not...

2011, already HCRV
Average weight: I'm a stable 48kg now

Model-wannabe pose.

My favourite: TWIST!

(Just ignore the messy background caused by the toddler)

That's me with Honeydew!

Curious about what I'm eating in a day (~3000 calories!)? Wait up till the next Fruity update!

Musing: Trust?

2011-07-28T14:57:00.003+08:00

Just one week ago, I went to Yan's house to give tuition to her brother. As we were discussing about how lazy he was to even learn Spelling (fancy getting all wrong even after testing the same thing over and over again for 4 weeks, and countless times), this little bum came in and smiled at us.

Even Bb, the calmest one, cannot tolerate her cuteness and pinched her chubby cheeks.

When I clasped my palms together and then reached out to her, letting her know that I wanted to carry her, all she did was... -_- she shook her head. She didn't trust me -_-

Made me ponder on one thing: why do we only trust people whom we are close with?

Do you trust a random stranger you meet at the bus stop this morning?
What about the guy in grey working blouse, the one holding the briefcase and talking over the phone?
The lady carrying the Burberry bag you have always set your eyes upon?
The taxi driver who wore a pink polo tee, and spoke of the unprintable over the phone?
Hmmm, what about the beggar on the streets that sang loudly through his microphone? Do you trust him?
What about online shopping sites that sells the LV tote bag you always wanted, and gives 50% discount?

What kind of trust am I talking about? How many types of trust are there? Trust in taking care of my finances? Trust in keeping my secrets? Trust in taking good care of my belongings? Noticed? It's all about "me, myself and I"? Why am I still in the center of everything? Didn't the bible ask me to put the interest of others before me?

Yet as I grow up, the more I find this world ugly. There's so much ugliness in this world, that there's this instinct that I have to protect my own interest. It's hard, but... I should learn to trust people. If I start the ball rolling, and start trusting people with all my heart, maybe this world will be a better place? With no suspicion, with no crime, with more love? Will it really be the case?

Or rather... Am I willing to give it a try?

Episode: COCKROACH INFESTED!

2011-07-25T12:08:00.003+08:00

Gah, my drawer-cum-wardrobe had been infested with cockroaches!

How did I discover that?
... I saw one cockroach running away from the light as I opened up the compartment for my underwear. IT WAS FREAKING RUNNING ON MY UNDERWEAR.

Why did they appear?
I used to store my shoes and slippers at the bottom most compartment, and... they weren't shiny clean -_-

I took out all my clothes and dumped them into the washing machine, and cleared the wardrobe. I was grossed out by the cockroach dung in the compartment drawers! KYAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

I was so freaked out that I didn't want to use the wardrobe anymore. Thank God for my aunt who is willing to empty her wardrobe content to let me use hers, and she used mine. *Phew*

No, I'm not afraid of cockroaches (but I hate them), I just hate the uneasiness if I ever put my clothes back into it again.

LOL, so much of me eating so many cockroaches these few weeks.

Episode: A day out in dress.

2011-07-22T21:24:00.006+08:00

On Tuesday noon, I went back to SP to have lunch with Boyfriend and his friends. Seems like it's a usual Tuesday routine before tuition starts.

Guess what, after about half a year or so..? I finally wore a dress not for the occasion, just solely because I felt like wearing dress.

This dress was from Gmarket :)

Really love the ribbon at the waist to tie :)

Really angry, stupid boy ALWAYS don't want to look at the camera!

Justified -_-

And then I went home -_-

How to: How to tolerate noisy toddlers!

2011-07-21T20:15:00.007+08:00

Especially for me, because I have a swine toddler at home:

Here are some snapshots of her, when she returned home from school two days ago:

Just in case your brain is mumbling something like this: Gosh, she looks so much like you...
NO! She is nothing like me LOL, besides the chubby cheeks and irritating hyperactive character.

*Disclaimer* Just for entertainment, I do not hate her. This post is just for fun. *End of disclaimer*

1. STARE, THE EVIL STARE

Until she screams and runs away...

Try to enhance the size of your eyes. If your eyes are big, make them bigger like the right eye. If yours are small, then squint it like the left. Or smaller.

Muahahaha.

2. SPANK THE BUTT

Her buttocks are just too solid and elastic, very tempted to just smack right at her cracks!

You know when you whack their ass, they get painful, they start to cry, and then things turn out this way...

Muahahahahaha. Don't you just laugh the way she cries..?

3.SQUEEZE THE FAT CHEEKS
Like this:

Just makes me wonder... From whom did we inherit the chubby cheeks -_-

4. SCREAM AND SHOUT

Sometimes I really wish to do that at home, and not fearing the risk of getting spanked by my Gran.

Muahahaha.

Oh no, this post is more of torture than to tolerate.

Episode: Brows!

2011-07-21T19:10:00.004+08:00

I was just complaining that my brows got too messy for good, and before I know it, I booked an appointment for this afternoon with Pink Parlour for eyebrow waxing few days ago.

Never heard me talk much about grooming so far, right? (I remember I used to pile on harmful makeup products against my face just months ago...)

So here's a before shot of my brow (and my face):

Grrrr! Messy, messy, messy!

So I went to Pink Parlour at Marina Square, and had my brows waxed!

Here's the aftermath:

Ft. Honeydew

Okay, here's an "upclose" shot of my brows. Very satisfied ^^

Have I mentioned in this post, that Pink Parlour is really my favourite beauty parlour? Not that I've been to that many before, but out of the 2 or 3 parlours I've been to, the service in Pink Parlour is the best!

The lady who came to my service was really friendly. We chatted while she waxed my brows. (Zzz, even dared joked with yours truly that she accidentally waxed all my brow hairs away)

They provide a wide range of services, from waxing, to nails, and to every beauty services you can think of. Still considering whether to take up IPL treatments or not. Hmmmm...

Rant: But I am too inexperienced.

2011-07-20T12:26:00.003+08:00

Well, so just let me try. It's just one of those days I wake up feeling nothing, and no muse, and feeling too young to talk about anything. It's always like this: "you are too young to speak." I'm tired of being young and... inexperienced. That's right, inexperienced. That's what people call the youths today right..?

Okay finally I know what to talk about today. I am too inexperienced (because I am young).

Too inexperienced in life to give advices.
Too inexperienced in life to talk about the world and its matters.
Too inexperienced in life to rebuke the older ones when I don't agree with the things they are doing.

I am tired of fighting against this every single day.

Does it really mean that when I'm young and... inexperienced, I can't give advices?
Does it really mean that when I'm young and... inexperienced, I can't have my own thoughts?
Does it really mean that when I'm young and... inexperienced, I'm not well-informed?
Does it really mean that when I'm young and... inexperienced, I can't discern between good and bad?
Does it really mean that when I'm young and... inexperienced, I'm lousy?

I really beg to differ. I'm also speaking on behalf of Bb, whom I think is really mature for an 18-year-old (turning 19 soon). I know we know more than most people of our age, even if we don't behave so.

Am I afraid to say all these? Yes, I am. I am afraid of what people will think. "This girl thinks she knows it all. She's just too inexperienced."

So why am I talking about this? Am I trying to show off myself?

NO.

It's just that it's tiring to hear off some things from various people every single day like, "you're gonna suffer if you continue doing this, and not listening to me."

Take my fruitarianism lifestyle for instance. Everyone is telling me it's harmful, it's going to kill me, I'm gonna get diabetes, I won't have energy to walk in future, I'm not getting enough protein, etc, every single day for more than four months. I haven't been sick for four months when I came from a background of being constantly sick, I received so many benefits after going raw and I have seen so many people in this forum who were healed of many sicknesses (many of them suffered from cancer and diabetes). I tried to explain, but... "you are too inexperienced".

Is the experience-o-meter proportional to our age? Yet why do I still see so many people older than me (not talking about 1 or 2 years difference, 10, 20 years difference), not being able to think wisely? I have a member in my house who is like that? Let me not say dumb, but... the things that he does is just stupid. Yet, I can't say anything because... "you are too inexperienced".

I agree I may be inexperienced, my life may be "smooth" now. Think of my past, no, not smooth at all. On the contrary, my life isn't "smooth" now. I'm struggling, just that many do not know. I think a lot, Bb thinks a lot for me. Does it mean we are stupid..?

I feel like a retard just posting this up. Well, you can just treat this post coming from a person who is inexperienced.

Musing: This is why I love.

2011-07-19T17:37:00.007+08:00

To these people:

My Dad.

My Mum.

My Didi.

My Gran.

My Fxes.

My Cell Group.

My Boyfriend.

My Extended Family.

This is why I love.

It's because I feel empty not loving,
It's because I am tired of hating,
It's because I feel loved when I love.

Don't you think this world is so much more beautiful when there is love?
Don't you think your world is so much more beautiful when you love?

I'm exasperated of hearing people deprecating, condemning another of the lives they desire, but own not.
I'm pestered by this dismaying truth that people choose to run away from love.

I'm disturbed by myself not loving some people who are so unlovable.
I feel disgusted at myself, for not being credible, talking about love and yet getting angry with people and start losing my temper.
This is very ugly. Very very ugly of a human.

Has anyone realized that the ultimate weapon against all odds is love?
Or am I just a young lass scowling at the world's way of life?
I am puzzled, confused, baffled.
I am also saddened, distressed, even afflicted by this thing called hate.
Yet, I still choose to love, because I believe God loves me and His people, and because He has called me to love. Besides love, He still gave love. There is no reason big enough for me not to love.

I love, because He first loved me.

"We love because He first loved us." - 1 John 4:19

Musing: Why I love?

2011-07-17T13:18:00.004+08:00

Many a times I find myself questioning the inner part of me, "Why do I love?"

Anyone asked this question to yourself yet?

Feel free to comment why you love :)

Episode: Amazing date with amazing Papi.

2011-07-16T10:26:00.004+08:00

Here's another "dating" post for you.

So yesterday, I was clearing up my eBacklog (yes, I made that up), and finally cleared some YouTube replies, 30 Bananas a Day replies and as you all know, I finally blogged.

After updating my life online, I went for BB parade. Well, a short one, because we were all going to VISION.

That's the boys playing Wacko because we had nothing to do before falling out.

What's VISION??

Here's the synopsis:
"Khong family melds magic with theatre" - The Business Times

"Following the highly successful run of MAGICBOX in 2008, Gateway Entertainment makes a triumphant return to the stage with the premiere of VISION, starring world-renowned father and daughter illusionist duo and Asia’s first Elite Diamond Merlin Award recipients for 2010 Magicians of the Year, Lawrence and Priscilla Khong. Showcasing brand new spectacular illusions that have never been seen before, VISION is the epitome of their internationally-acclaimed magic label Magic of Lawrence & Priscilla which continues to leave thousands spell-bound across the globe.

VISION, a mega magic-meets-theatre extravaganza, features world-renowned magic consultants, The Emmy Awards luminaries and the best of Singapore talent. Come experience a spectacular magic adventure through time and space where you will discover whimsical and wonderful worlds that baffle logic and belief; and a non-stop rollercoaster ride of music accompanied by a 16-member strong dance ensemble. Amidst the mystery, suspense and danger, VISION weaves a powerful and heartwarming story of love, family ties and values.

This unforgettable theatrical magic event will keep you on the edge of your seat when it premieres for 11 nights only at the Esplanade Theatre starting 15 July. Don’t miss this magical event of the year!"

Lawrence Khong is actually my church's Senior Pastor :) So blessed to have my tickets sponsored by a generous church member, who sponsored 2000 VISION tickets. That's already $160,000!

I bought my new pumps at Pretty Fit, and brought Bryan to the Esplanade as well. Had a good dinner (DEGLET NOOR FTW) with my cell group and dad at Thai Express before going in to the theater.

Zzz, the background was eww so I had to adjust the brightness and contrast. Papi looks drunk and I look like an atas domestic helper here -_-'

Now you know where I get my chubby cheeks and abundant brows from.
Oh that's Melvin's butt behind btw.

No flash. Papi still looks drunk. At least I don't look like a maid anymore.

Now he looks tired -_- HAHAHAHA!

The show was great if you didn't know what's behind the magic. Papi knew it all, so BAH.

Anyway, time to go meet my Bb for another massage session!

Episode: Amazing date with amazing guy.

2011-07-15T11:34:00.014+08:00

We had been fans of *him for so long, and finally it all comes to an end. Bb and I booked the tickets online for yesterday's show on Tuesday morning, the theatre was already 2/3 full. Praise God we managed to book the seat in the middle. Not really, because I hate to bend down and squeeze through the row just to get to the toilet, and squeeze my way back in.

My gift for our 29th monthsary was a treat to New York New York. Well, didn't really fancy the salad I ordered. It was a special order: just mixed lettuce with tomatoes. The lettuce was good, but the tomatoes? No. They tasted like rotten egg. Sorry, I forgot to take photo of the salad.

Bb had Lemon Dory, which is, quoted from him, "not that satisfactory. I would rather go to Astons..." No photo again. I promise to compensate you with an epic photo of Bb later on. *begs him not to kill me* "Love is patient, love is kind..." ;D

We had so much time left that we didn't know what to do, even after around an hour of walking around aimlessly in the mall. Then, we had an impromptu decision to go to...

Refresh Bodyworks

What's best was, for every 1 service you take, you are entitled to a spin at the wheel. The biggest bet is the what everyone wants...

*drumrolls*

AN IPAD 2! They have 5 to giveaway, and one is already in the hands of a customer!

Didn't get the iPad 2? Fret not, because every spinner is a winner, you are definitely getting something home when you spin! Both Bb and I got 50% discount for 30 minutes back massage, which is good! We're going there again on Saturday :D

So we decided to go for 40 minutes foot reflexology.

That's my leg you're looking at ._.

And the friendly staff who massaged my leg :)

That's Bb's leg :)

Off we went to the place I work part-time, Yogurt Place, because Bb wanted to smuggle in his large cup of mango+blueberry yogurt, topped with chocolate mint chips.

After his naughty action of stuffing the yogurt into my bag, we got to the theatre, retrieved my tickets from the Mobile-SMS-scan machine, to the toilet, and VIOLA TO THE THEATRE.

Just my luck to sit beside two very noisy Indians. I'm not being racist here, but they seriously can't shut their mouths. The person in front even had to turn around and asked them, "can you girls just keep quiet?" So they kept quiet, but kept typing messages to each other with their freaking Blackberry Bolds. The light irritated me, urgh.

Back from digressing. The movie was awesome, but I still prefer the book to the film. Everyone clapped when Mrs Weasley defeated Bellatrix, and the Boy Who Lived defeated You-Know-Who. Sorry for the spoilers, but you guys already know what will happen.

Digress: "NOT MY DAUGHTER, YOU BITCH!"

And here's the photo I promised:

If I haven't update by Sunday means I'm dead. YOU KNOW WHO IS THE MURDERER! *stares at above photo, begs for mercy*

Musing: 我长大后，养不养爸爸?

2011-07-05T11:33:00.003+08:00

我会养爸爸吗..?

Rant: Late-night snack.

2011-07-01T04:51:00.001+08:00

It feels awesome to eat some awesome medjool dates in the middle of the night like this. I wish I could've written a better post on this.

Musing: I love you, Papi

2011-06-19T14:53:00.001+08:00

Happy Fathers' Day.

This is a song I wrote for Papi:

看着你疲倦的脸
就让我哭了双眼
你告诉我要争气一点

盖著被哄我入睡
描述给我公主的美
一边说着一边掉泪

你对我抱歉
说我该有的幸福
你没能力给

在疼爱我当中
你也被苦衷
紧紧地绑住连呼吸也会痛
当我哭泣的时候
出事的时候
你第一时间赶回来守着我
可见Daddy你多爱我

I love you, Papi.

Musing: Education?

2011-06-12T20:59:00.001+08:00

My tuition kid, Yan's brother:

It was three hours of tuition with him two weeks ago that made me screaming for more sessions. It's not the money earned, heck the money, really.

I was brought back to the image of CHIJ Kellock leadership camp, and found myself utterly ashamed. Why had I not done better to coach these kid?. Or, in this case, KW? I know I could do much better to know his weakness, to explain concepts, to coach him as he did his assessments (which was his homework I gave last week), to... To do so much better in so many aspects.

Hear me, I'm not here to degrade myself. I know I'm much better than lousy. I just... There's this... Oh no, how do I even start expressing how I feel. If only it isn't so complex and readable.

I know he can perform much better than this. I strongly believe that he can exceed all our expectations. If only he hadn't given up on himself...

I know this isn't the beautiful post one can look forward to read, but this is truly my deepest passion: a teacher who doesn't just educate from textbooks, I want to do much more than that. I want to build strong lives with great attitude and passion. I know Bb is working with me for the latter too. He is another passionate soul for education.

Sorry for this disorganized post. I know I can blog much better than this. Stay tuned.

Episode: Camps.

2011-06-10T12:52:00.004+08:00

It's physically draining to have participated in eleven days of training up leaders in two weeks. There's also this sense of fulfillment raging inside me simultaneously. How do I even start explaining how fascinated I am?

Frustration and impatience came in many disguises to yell and nag at me - I plead guilty to have given attention to these disapproving emotions. Well, these are what comes after lack of calories. If given a choice, I'd never have only 7 bananas' calories for the day, it really sucked.

Negativity aside, things that pleased my starving heart also came in many modes to satisfy my hunger. From the random chats among facilitators, arguing about the best pick-up lines, late-night YouTube videos marathon, "AWESOME!" joke about "pink lips", to the smiles bandaged across the campers' faces. Oh these things bring such merriment :)

Do I just feel awesome and let go of this fleeting emotion? It's bound to be gone some few minutes later when the Post-Camp emotions expire. Will I still continue to serve as a good role model in my Boys' Brigade company? What haunts me is the sudden twist and when things don't go right, I get impatient again. Will I still be willing to keep working with others who come from different culture and styles? Will I CHOOSE not to be comfortable at where I am and start finding little adventures in terms of work?

This leaves me a huge passion in my heart for education and training the young. Language. Music. All lumped together makes me a teacher. I am a teacher, right?

Let me just end off this post with my favourite photo from the camp:

Random: Funny to the max!

2011-05-27T00:08:00.000+08:00

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Rant: Tiring

2011-05-20T02:18:00.001+08:00

My shoulders are aching
My eyes are puffing
My back is crying
My heart is screaming

The spreadsheet is calling
The camp is nearing
In just a week's time,
I won't be sleeping

The proposals are waiting
For me to be dealt with
The camps are nearing
Two whole weeks not sleeping

Am I complaining?
I don't want to be whining
I feel like weeping
And feel like quitting

He died for me ever so willing
For my heart to be strapping
For my soul to be hearty
Not for me to be weary

So I'll walk with Him intimately
Holding His Hands unfailing
Knowing that He is here with me
These tasks I'll be fulfilling

Musing: 跟着他

2011-05-16T15:59:00.001+08:00

为什么要害怕
其实一个人也可以很浪漫
一个人吃着水果
闻着那束玫瑰一朵朵

一个人真的可以很浪漫
躺在自己舒服的床
享受着好听的音乐
漫漫地，漫漫地入睡

可是两个人的话
会更加浪漫
两人躺在沙滩上
甜言蜜语变成悄悄话

两个人必定会有磨擦
有时相处会很难
但是如果能重新再来
我还会选择跟着他

Musing: Mommy

2011-05-15T00:08:00.001+08:00

Mommy, can you see this?
Mommy, there is so much I want to say
Those words hidden in my fist
Dying to find its destined way

I don't know how to express my gratitude
I don't know how to be your joy and pride
I only know how make you burn and fume
And make you scream and cry

So Mommy I do know this
That in your eyes can I find grace
What I don't know is just a lovely kiss
All it takes to compensate?

From the songs I sang with you
To the quarrels that made us wretched
Every moment I've spent with you
Is the moment we won't forget

Mommy, Mommy look at me
This is what I want to say to you
I know I am always your little baby
And just like a baby,
I'll always hold on to you.

Rant: Prayer

2011-05-11T23:54:00.001+08:00

Dear God, can I cast all my anxieties upon You?
I feel so heartsick and feel so drooped
Floodgates of torment pouring over me
Just with a whish I was swept into the Seven Seas

God, will You listen to my cries?
Will You perform a magic and sanctify?
May he go above the tight rope not
May he go behind the bars and suffer not

I pray O Lord, Lord I pray
That You will bless him in every way
That You Almighty will see his fear
And use Your gentle Hands to wipe his tears

May we abandon this huge crisis
And solve every problem unfinished
May we bow down in Your Holiness
And reap a life of abundance

Rant: Be with me.

2011-05-10T23:41:00.001+08:00

Lord, please have mercy on me.

Life is really tough now, especially now when Papi just met with a major crisis.

I'm so tired, Lord. So tired of living, so tired of all the junks in my life. The on-going financial crisis, the extreme back pain, the restless days for the week. God, I'm so tired. This is so tough... Be with me God, be my strength.

I'm afraid I can't hold this any longer. God, please be with me... Please be with Papi.

Your joy is my strength...

Episode: Jesus was a Vegetarian.

2011-05-05T14:42:00.001+08:00

I strongly believe this is so.

Musing: Dear Didi, Jiejie is so sorry.

2011-05-02T23:59:00.001+08:00

Dear Didi
I know it's Jiejie's fault for not spending enough time with you when I could
Now it seems like the chance of us being together again is zero
I'm so sorry.

Dear Didi
I know you want to get the dinosaur toy from the Mama-shop below our house
I didn't get it for you because it was out of my budget
I'm so sorry.

Dear Didi
I know you always wish that I could send you to school and bring you back
I rarely had the chance to, and probably won't have it now
I'm so sorry.

Dear Didi
I know you always want me to look at your painting, even brought back a champion trophy back for me to see
I seldom bothered about it, probably never can see them anymore
I'm so sorry.

Dear Didi,
I know when you want to kiss me at night before you sleep is because you love me
But I always shun you away and asked you to stay away from me
I'm so sorry

Dear Didi
I remember that night when I wanted to sleep, you covered the blanket for me and sang me a lullaby before a goodnight kiss
I never had the chance to do the same to you
I'm so sorry.

Jiejie made so many mistakes in guiding you, in loving you. Jiejie is so sorry. We probably won't meet again so soon, I don't know how long they will take. Yet Jiejie wants to let you know that no matter what, Jiejie will always love you. Always. Forever.

For everything that I have and have not done, Jiejie is so sorry...

Rant: Work...

2011-05-02T11:14:00.004+08:00

I don't mean to pour my rage about how today is going to be a day full of inadequacies in this post, I am suppose to clean up this space.

Yet this stinging thought of going work tonight is making me losing my cool. I don't mind if you label me childish now, because I know it's no lie.

Work, we all go to work. We all have to work. We need the money to survive, don't we?

It's not about greed and wanting to have more banknotes in the wallet. I'm not even talking about getting luxury goods or go on a cruise holiday or any of that sort. I'm talking about sustaining life - what I'm earning now is only enough for my three meals and transport, three times lesser than I used to earn, though three times more taxing.

Maybe when I'm back, I can't contact Bb anymore. He might be drowned in the pool of homework and Chemical Engineering load. Why is it so? For the future, for the money he's gonna earn? The house that we dream of? (Honestly, my dream house is just an apartment where I can live with Bb and store my fruits bought from wholesale)

I feel disorganized. Even my thoughts are disorganized. Stay tuned.

Musing: Ahma!

2011-04-14T07:10:00.001+08:00

Feeling kind of emotional since the day I shifted to live with my family. Always thought Gran has awesome company with her - Kim Yong the irritating fat baby. Not sure if this is jealousy, but to be honest I felt kind of sad that attention was taken away from me. Part of the reason why I chose to shift.

Now the baby attends school now, only comes back in the evening. Papi told me that every time when he comes back home he'd see Gran sleeping on the couch with the TV turned on. Who knows how much tears she shed in her dreams. Yeye departed from this world, leaving all of us here, especially Gran.

I secretly made a resolve to come back once every two weeks with "refilling my shampoo" as an excuse. Maybe I was too proud to admit I miss her, since our relationship drifted since puberty started. Well proves one point: don't tell your parents you won't forsake them for friends in future. Kind of caught in between with friends and family now. My friends are like my family now.

I think it's time to take away this pride and let Gran know I love her. I don't know how to go about doing this, I'm not a mushy person by nature, since physical touch is last in the list for my love language. I don't know her love language at all. I don't know how to tell now, seems like Gran has been guarding her feelings so strongly. Yet I'm determined to penetrate this barrier. It takes time. I don't want to regret when she leaves, the episode in Genting is enough for me.

Cute pic of Gran in Genting.

Episode: Chubby cheeks!

2011-04-12T18:39:00.007+08:00

I have some interesting thing to show you guys and that is the... *reads info off title* CHUBBY CHEEKS!

A good 16-17 years ago...

And now...

The cheeks never change...

Musing: Falling short of standards.

2011-04-09T23:57:00.001+08:00

It was discouraging in the beginning of our dispute, over who is less sensitive or who did not solve the problem but creating more problems instead.

As our conversation went by, I began to be enlightened by the fact that when I fall short of Bb's standard, does not mean I'm a bad girlfriend. It's just the case whereby I need to work harder on being sensitive and knowing how to solve the problem - instead of saying sorry many times and leaving the problem on a hanger.

I find that this is a very good experience for me, to just THINK twice, thrice, or even more before I do/say anything. Thinking about pros and cons is not enough, I have to think FAST to be able to react in time. Think of all the things that were shared in the past that he doesn't like/appreciate. Albeit he's also trying very hard to appreciate my 'childishness'.

At the end of the day, what I should be focusing on should not be meeting expectations, but meeting felt needs. Another thing I brought home with me: I'm still his awesome girl even when expectations/felt needs are not met sometimes. Thank God he loves me too.

Rant: Skipping CCAs

2011-04-08T13:00:00.001+08:00

Can I get to hear from the people who skip CCAs?

Why do people skip CCAs? For those who do not know what a CCA is, it is co-curricular activity. It is a community of people who same interest (or so) who gather in the school for a school-related activity. Uniformed groups, sports team, various dances etc.

I don't understand the reason behind the act of skipping CCAs. I really don't. Can someone tell me why?

Or... Skipping CCAs for another reason more important? I don't know. Just some mindless thoughts. Yeah, mindless thoughts.

Musing: DO something.

2011-04-07T23:30:00.001+08:00

It's been a trend isn't it? Like when one was still a small kid, believing that lollipops equalled to the entire universe. Like one was still a small kid, believing that everything is possible. Like how we used to think shutting our eyes make us see nothing, and believed that we are also invisible?

Fact is, I'm tired of living in such a life that believing in such things and can never happen... Unless I do something to make that belief happen.

For example, I believe I can be a Hollywood movie star, and sincerely believe with all of my heart that I can make it. Yet what I'm doing all day is sitting at the couch and munching on chips while watching TV (no I don't do that). I HAVE to do something to that belief/dream. It can be as simple as taking a step of faith to audition in Mediacorp as a start. Or even to a great extent/risk to travel all the way to Hollywood and audition. Which, unless I am super duper talented, I am going to fail when I am untrained.

Just like I believe I can shake millions on earth by speaking of Christ. Yet if I do nothing about it and just dream that one day I will get my Twelve, it will never happen. It's 100% God and 100% me. It's interdependent. It's not you or me, but you AND me. I HAVE to do something.

It's really easy to accept and get the knowledge, but not easy to put it in action... Especially failing many times, those times when I never hand the people up to God.

I am still learning.

Fruitarianism: A new Blog!

2011-04-07T16:55:00.001+08:00

Have a click here and check out my new Fruitarian blog!

Episode: Note for Mum

2011-04-05T12:25:00.001+08:00

I know you will be reading this, Mum.

It's not that I don't appreciate you. It really isn't the case. I've tried putting myself in your shoes, and I realized that you really mean well for me. What was typed against the screen are but words of frustration and sadness.

Like what you always say too, you can tune down to my age, but I can't tune up to yours because I've never been through that stage before. What was written are just words from an adolescent youth trying to find her own direction in life.

I really appreciate what you have taught me. I really do. Yet at this juncture, I have to be independent on my thinking. Mum, I don't want to rely on you for my direction. Let me hit against the wall on my own. After all, what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. Mum, it's time for me to crawl out of this unwavering protection you and dad have been giving me, and taste the world on my own and let me learn things the hard way - hopefully the best way.

In time to come, I know I will appreciate you more than now. After all, I'm a mere 18-year-old kid who isn't exposed to much things.

I love you Mum. I love you Dad. I love Didi. I do love this family. Really.

Musing: He never settles for second best.

2011-04-04T11:25:00.001+08:00

I don't know what or how should I be feeling.

Remember months ago when I applied to transfer into DTVM and failed?

Remember maybe about a month later I decided to leave school and apply for another poly course? The result is out today. 'Unsuccessful' was the first word I saw in the application status window.

I don't know what I'm feeling or whatever. I just know that God has even greater plans for me. Maybe not a school teacher? Or..? I don't know and I'm afraid of guessing His plans for me myself.

This is good, by the way. I can have more room to think. (and more time for my book and community)

I believe He loves me. He never settles for second best for me.

Rant: Accept me as who I am.

2011-04-01T17:26:00.001+08:00

It's not going to be good.

I've seen people who are so arrogant in their opinions. If you feel a little guilty at this point, you can be very sure I'm talking about you.

I am not trying to say anything or even being arrogant on my opinion on these people. I choose to use words that are less harsh than 'i think people who live in condos are dumb because they can use even lesser amount of money to live in HDB which are bigger?!' it's a matter of perspective isn't it?

Or like, 'I hate people who speaks perfect English because it sucks to communicate with people who doesn't speak Singlish and they think they machiam Ang Moh ah?' Then you see the stars and other symbols following that sentence?

It's a matter of perspective. It's tough living with people, especially with people who are so different from you. People with different values and even family brought-ups. The least one can do is to accept others as who they are.

Not trying to discourage people, but it's difficult. Very difficult. It's so much easier to say 'ya la they are so dumb lor!' and try to fit in, but is it possible that we humble ourselves to different culture and say, 'I don't really agree with what you are doing, but I accept you as who you are.'

Therefore, I will, from now on, accept these people as who they are. Gotta work hard on this.

Rant: I can feel it again.

2011-03-30T22:24:00.001+08:00

I can feel it again.

Amidst all the love I've been receiving these few days, the shittiness still got the better of me.

I'm not saying that I'm a bad girlfriend here, I know I am good. Truth is, I am cognizant of the fact that I've become better. Just somehow I let my mood to control my tone towards him. I know I shouldn't grumble when I want to sleep and he's busy and can't hoax me. I know I shouldn't get angry when it's 20 minutes past my target sleeping time. I know I should be understanding.

It's just a small matter. Somehow this shittiness just made my little action a big blow to myself.

I can totally feel it. Rid me of this shit. I can't do it without You.

Fruitarianism: Never underestimate yourself.

2011-03-27T23:24:00.001+08:00

I am just done bathing after walking back home from Sembawang MRT station, with a distance of 10km. I completed within 2 hours. I survived my day through fruits.

I'm no superhuman. I can't do it on my own. I mean I had 6 bananas and two pears for the day.

I was around 3/4 my way, and felt like stopping because I was too freaked out by the quietness of the dark, besides the frequent howling of exotic animals and the noisome smell. Just then, the lyrics rung through my ears, "Even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadows, I will hold tight to Your Hands... ... He will carry me... ... He didn't say it would be easy, but He said He'll see me through the storm~" Just the exact words Ps Daniel Khong shared yesterday. Just the exact words that Ps Lawrence Khong shared last Saturday. Just the exact words I needed to move on from the darkness.

I made it, on fruits, with God.

Lyrics: Homesick (MercyMe)

2011-03-24T23:25:00.001+08:00

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Musing: Communication, teamwork, trust?

2011-03-20T23:00:00.001+08:00

Well, can't really say the trip to Genting is enjoyable. Fancy being away from boyfriend for four days.

On the other hand, Mami and Papi were bickering about Papi's handphone bill which ballooned to $700++ because of the data charges caused by over usage of YouTube by Beebro. However, if not for that, I wouldn't have grasp hold the meaning of communication (oh teamwork, oh trust, oh communication).

I'm not trying to be a good student here giving ten-year series answers about teamwork, communication and trust here. It's just a deep thought about communication - it's better to quarrel than no communication at all. Those four days, there was not one moment I didn't think of Bb. Imagining he was there with me, eating with me, wiping the dirt off my face whilst eating. To an even greater extent, I even imagined a proposal from him -_- siao.

I really miss Bb a lot. So much that I begged him not to go back home early for dinner just to walk around with me this evening. It was so agonizing just imagining him waving goodbye at the station and take the train home. This is not healthy, but this is how much I love him.

The most touching thing is that God loves me more than that, He died for me, and thought of me the whole time He was in Calvary.

Rant: Happy Birthday, my friend.

2011-03-20T00:36:00.001+08:00

It was her birthday just a few moments ago, before my phone told ms it was twelve. Well, still remember the last time we spent her birthday together in Clarke Quay walking aimlessly, staring at random club-goers and talking about anything that crossed our minds.

I still remember the song I wrote to her on her birthday two years ago, about how we lived life through the past ten years together quarreling over everything, and also sharing everything. About how we went through those ten years blinded that we were best friends for each other.

Twelve years past, a year and a half since we last talked. The most recent time I saw her was... Months ago. She didn't even look at me, she stared at the floor and walked past me. Is there really nothing I can do to salvage our twelve years of friendship? I miss her, I really do.

God, do what You will to us. I'll pray, and pray, and pray until something happens.

Koh Wei, I miss you.

2011-03-11T17:57:00.001+08:00

快放工了，也就是说快看见妈妈了...

不过话说起来，我们已经有九个多月没见面了。都已经够生一个孩子了。

这些月来都有时常想到她。有时常问自己说＂妈咪过得好吗？＂。有时候也会问一下神说＂妈咪忘了我没有？＂。

有好几次也想打电话给她说我想搬到她的屋子，能不能让我自己一个人住。是非常白痴，没错，但我现在的生活不好过。

我嘴里说是想她，但行动上可说是几乎没做上什么。我不要去马来西亚，我讨厌回去。我怕是那种一去不回的旅程。

算了吧，不想再说了。

Rant: Rid me of myself.

2011-03-10T18:30:00.001+08:00

I had a long commercial break of ten hours and now I'm feeling totally crappy. I hate it when things aren't done in my way, and I'm having this urge to shout and let it all out and cry and do silly things. Yet this still small voice in me keeps pressing: let go, and let God.

It's like two pieces of papers stuck together with glue, so torn when separated, and never the same again regardless of the effort in making it new. Only God can do it, and I trust Him. I must keep in mind that His love never fails.

Remember, Jayme, remember. He's your God. He makes things new, including you.

Rid this spirit off me, God, really tak bolek tahan. I want to cry. Rid this jealousy. Renew this heart.

Rant: Background music...

2011-03-06T20:45:00.002+08:00

I thought I've thoroughly considered it through before moving in. Now I feel that my eardrums are bursting. Okay, stop grumbling, persevere -_-

All I can do is to keep praying that my God will change her, because I'm of no position to.

Shalalalalalalalsdfjsbgkasinadfljosndlfsjgnbsv gjnsjgn

God, please grant me patience to tolerate her too.

Think we're both PMS-ing.

formspring.me

2011-03-03T08:02:00.001+08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Jaymejiamei

Rant: 好吃懒做，游手好闲的我

2011-02-28T23:16:00.001+08:00

为什么哭过了还觉得特别难过？

又被她说了。她说我 'buay zo'，说 '我不懂你在你旧家你做多少，but hor 你在mummy家都没做的。衣服也不会帮我收一下。'

任性的我顶回她一句说: 'I really never do meh?' 她才肯说: 'The most, 就是帮我iron only ma.'

其实，多时我要做时都被阻止。嘴里并是这样说着: 'Aiya, 你会吗? Let me do it la. You always lun lun zhun zhun one.'

很多时候不是我安静不说话就是默认我的错，只是之前有太多次为自己反抗出声都被她的那把像箭的嘴刺得遍体鳞伤。现在放聪明一点，并了解到沉默不语竟是最有效的解药。

我活过来了。

Musing: Yahweh.

2011-02-26T00:07:00.002+08:00

I was playing this video, not intending to have any "personal worship time". I was actually linked to this video from the video of Age to Age (His Glory Appears).

He touched me so gently yet powerfully.
I'm unworthy of being His daughter.
What have I done to deserve such a love like this?
All I did was to keep sinning and sinning, consciously.

It's scary, so scary to be living on my own for the past few days.
So much work stacked unto my shoulders, even those not under my responsibility.
I needed rest.
He gave me rest.
Right here, right now.

Musing: I want to love perfectly.

2011-02-21T21:31:00.001+08:00

I'm seated in the train, the advertisement before me is about a Wedding Festival. Just got hold of a news that one of my colleagues is getting married next month. I tried to conceal the jubilance. Mind you, inside the train.

They dated since four years ago. I have no idea if it's a typical boy-meets-girl, boy falls in love with girl, vice versa kind of love story that they share. Yet there is one thing I'm very sure: they definitely walked over stones and mountains that often make life difficult, plateau that makes the relationship smooth, roller coaster that thrills their hearts. Maybe they tasted the best milk chocolate that melted in their mouths, and brought warmth to the heart. After all, it was four years worth of relationship, yet probably costs more than their lives.

I guess being in love makes a whole lot of difference to a person. It changes one so much that you can still see the happiness within a person beneath the dark clouds, which are present most of the time. If happiness isn't seen, is it still love? After all, love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

That's an example of true love. A love that no one can show besides Him. Yet I want to use His strength deposited in my puny being to love the people around me whole-heartedly. That includes my family, spiritual or earthly, my Boyfriend, my friends and my colleagues. I want to love them so much that I will be willing to even lay my life for them. I want to love them so much that I will not consider about how I feel but always put their interest before mine.

Will I be able to do it? I lack so much... but my heart is willing. God, help me.

Out of boredom: How bad are you in school?

2011-02-20T22:20:00.001+08:00

Rules of the game:

Copy and paste everything, do it and repost the title with whatever rank you were given.

Ranks are given at the bottom of this note.

If you have done something in this school which is indicated by the sentence, mark the [ ] on the left side of the thing you have done with a x.

Let the game begin.

Level 1:

[x]Sleep in class

[x]Talked in class

[x]Not seating at your own place in class

[x]Scolded by a teacher

[x]Litter the classroom

[x]Did not do your homework at least 15 times

[x]Submitted your homework late at least 10 times

[ ]Came late for school at least 10 times

[x]brought/wore home clothes without school's permission

[x]brought/wore jewellery to school

[x]did not pay attention in class for at least 60% of the time

[x]cried out "sian" or "wa lao wei" to the teacher

[x]plucked a flower/ killed a plant in school

[x]copied other people's homework in desperation

[x]played a trick on your classmates/teacher

Total so far: 14

Level 2:

[x]Sent for detention class

[x]Ate in class

[x]Not wearing your school uniform (if you have) properly

[x]Shouted at the top of your voice during lesson time

[x]Scolding vulgarities in class

[x]Sported hairstyle deemed unacceptable by the school

[x]Used a school facility without school's permission

[x]Played soccer/basketball or any other sports in classroom

[x]Singing loudly during lesson -- [I always do that!]

[x]Walking around the class aimlessly during lesson time

[x]Did not greet the teacher properly

[x]Went to the toilet during lesson time without permission

[x]played a trick on the teacher during april fools

[ ]used the teacher's table as a rubbish dump

[ ]made yourself a nuisance to the teacher

Total so far: 27

Level 3:

[x]Was asked to stay back after school/break time

[ ]Made a fool out of morning assembly

[x]Wasted the school's toilet paper

[x]Sabotaged someone

[x]Irritated someone

Total so far: 31

Level 4:

[x]Forged your parent's signature

[ ]Forged a classmate's signature

[ ]Forged a teacher's signature

[ ]Made rude remarks to the school cleaners in front of them

[x]Flew a paper aeroplane down from the school's highest storey

Total so far: 33

Level 5:

[x]Fiddling with your handphone during lesson time

[x]Played with your PSP in school

[x]Using school computer to play games without a teacher's permission

[x]Listened to an MP3 player in school

[ ]Messed with the teacher's pigeon hole

Total so far: 36

Level 6:

[x]Vandalised school property

[ ]Tried to defame your school in public

[ ]Used the internet to scold teachers

[x]Fought with someone in school

[ ]Shoplifted in school

Total so far: 38

Level 7:

[x]Cheated in a class test

[ ]Cheated in a school examination

[ ]Cheated for your PSLE/ GCE 'O' or 'A' Level Examination

[x]Lied to your teacher

[x]played truancy for hall assemblies/specific lessons

Total so far: 40

Level 8:

[ ]Took drugs in school

[x]Smoked in school

[ ]Set fire to something in the school

[x]Locked the teacher out of the classroom

[x]Played truancy just after coming to school just to take attendance

Total so far: 30

Level 9:

[ ]Refused to pay school fees

[ ]Cheated the school money

[ ]Stole things which belonged to the school

[x]Bullied someone in school

[ ]Prank called your school

Total so far: 44

Level 10:

[x]Raised your voice/shouted against a student leader

[x]Raised your voice/shouted against a teacher

[ ]Raised your voice/shouted against your discipline master/mistress

[ ]Raised your voice/shouted against your vice-principal

[ ]Raised your voice/shouted against your principal

Total so far: 46

Level 11:

[ ]Brought weapons to the school

[ ]Brought real firearms to the school

[ ]Brought a real bomb to the school

[ ]Fired a real weapon in the school with the motive to frighten/kill

[ ]Dressed up as a terrorist to school

Grand total: 46

Ranks:

If you are between 0-15 -------------{I am a good student}

If you are between 16-20------------{I am a good student but with occasional trouble}

If you are between 21-30------------{I am an average student}

If you are between 31-40------------{I am a bad student}

If you are between 41-50------------{I am a very bad student}

If you are between 51-60------------{I should have been caned by the discipline master}

If you are between 61-65------------{I should have been expelled from school}

If you are between 66-75------------{I should have been sent to a reformatory centre}

I WAS a very bad student.

Episode: Biebie.

2011-02-20T20:55:00.003+08:00

I was watching Adam Couple's last episode and teared like a crazy person.

We're still holding on :)

Rant: This is true.

2011-02-18T19:35:00.001+08:00

'Women who date married men shouldn't use mascara'.

Girls, think twice. Think thrice. Until you finally realize that married a man is no longer single.

Rant: One wrong mistake.

2011-02-17T19:48:00.001+08:00

Tell me how to get rid of this nagging agony that keeps tugging me even when I sleep?

I have started getting nightmares and illusions of me not choosing the right path in the first place. I start to worry about ending up not being posted to anywhere.

I am paranoid. Being scrupulous in everything makes me breathless. If God isn't with me, I would've died just letting this bitterness endanger my effervescent self. I'm losing part of it already.

Do something to me, God. Grant me rest. Screw my life back into its original state.

Musing: Listen to the Heart.

2011-02-17T15:16:00.001+08:00

It's wrong blogging during work, don't learn from me.

I'm quite trouble these few days. In fact, very troubled. I'm afraid I can't get in to the course I applied for, and they told me the results will only be out on 4 April.

This doesn't make me troubled at all. I can wait for the result. Not my boss. I promised her to give her an answer on Monday whether or not to sign as a permanent full time staff or to leave when contract ends in mid April.

I thought back and sighed a heavy sigh. I shouldn't have chosen DCHE at all. Or rather, I shouldn't have quitted at all. It's my responsibility to seek excellence in everywhere I go.

Rant: Just a few more seconds...

2011-02-15T00:01:00.001+08:00

Firstly, happy valentines' day to you faithful reader(s).
Yet again it's the same excuse: BUSY.
Truth is, I was so immersed with somethings else instead of catching muses like butterflies.
To be thoroughly honest, I have zero clue on where I spent my energy on.
I guarantee that I have come this space so many times and ended up backspacing every alphabet I keyed. Such a waste of energy, could've invested it in studying.

Enough of my nonsensical introduction, it's just a round of pointless vindication that proves absolutely nothing but my laziness.

It's just a few seconds before Bb and I venture to our 2 years and one day anniversary.

Oh it has begun.

I'm meeting Mr. Z now. Anyone joining me in Z-land?

Lyrics: Paint my Love (Michael Learns To Rock)

2011-02-13T21:19:00.000+08:00

From my youngest years
Till this moment here
I’ve never seen
Such a lovely queen

From the skies above
To the deepest love
I’ve never felt
Crazy like this before

Chorus:
Paint my love
You should paint my love
It’s the picture of a thousand sunsets
It’s the freedom of a thousand doves
Baby you should paint my love

Been around the world
Then I met you girl
It’s like comming home
To a place I’ve known

Chorus:
Paint my love
You should paint my love
It’s the picture of a thousand sunsets
It’s the freedom of a thousand doves
Baby you should paint my love

Since you came into my life
The days before all fade to black and white
Since you came into my life
Everything has changed

Rant: Slumbering rain.

2011-01-30T16:04:00.004+08:00

Forgive me, today is one of those days that started well, but feel like a muttonhead when the day is ceasing. Well, at least to me, the day is ending soon. I have a... rendezvous with Mr Z.

I went out during noon, when the raindrops fell in generous amount. The sun forbore it's light even before I opened up my eyes.

It was supposed to be a tuition appointment with my sis, with Chinese as the subject of the meeting. Then it was changed to a shopping date with Bb, before we called it off due to an accidental accident. Well, at least I finally get to hang out with... myself.

My intended place was to go Sembawang Sunplaza for some reading at its library and its Popular Bookstore, as well as some low-cost shopping at its stores. It stayed as it was before I changed my mind to go Yishun North Point, embracing the hope that I might meet my colleagues at its Cold Storage. By the time I halted at Ang Mo Kio station, I decided to turn my direction and take the opposite line to Bishan Junction 8. Time was in abundance.

I went out to seek musing, maybe squiggle something into my notebook before discerning the embarrassing fact that I did not bring one. A pen without a notebook? Sounds like my life without words. Or my life without Bb and family. My life without God.

I got myself clothed in the jacket Bb bought for me yesterday, while entering into Cotton On in Junction 8. I had some of my fortune traded with a pair of cotton shoes (yes, those you see in Rubi, or on any other girl you see in the streets) and a traveller mug with the world map flashed within the plastic cover.

It came to surprise me when I saw a guy, he looked palpably like ... I don't know. It felt as though I caught a muse, slipped away. I am indubitably aware of the fact that my brain-dictionary has vocabularies inadequate but that feeling, that fleeting feeling somehow got something in my head that I want to jot it down. Shame on me I could not catch that phrase. It might have made me laugh, or made you cry, I have no idea. I tried looking back at him again prior to notify myself that "once it's gone, it's gone".

Disclaimer: No I am not in love with him.

I hurried back to AMKHub and got myself some fruits to munch at home and felt all miserable. I don't know why. Is it because I'm a lady who has emotional mood swings? I am unmistakably angst up about something, but I just have no idea why...

Wake me up, someone. It feels like I'm too caught in my slumber. It's still raining now.

Rant: Dog Birth.

2011-01-28T21:44:00.001+08:00

I was watching this:

It's so beautiful, it makes me want to cry...

The mother looks at her babies ever so calmly,
licking away the amniotic sack for her beloved to breathe...

I can't deny how wonderful is God to have created such a beautiful scene.

Musing: Impossible possibilities.

2011-01-28T16:34:00.001+08:00

I just received a news from my sis that her friend's boyfriend just breathed his last. Car accident.

Am forced to think about the impossible possibilities that happen daily in life.
Accidents, breakups, divorces...
Too afraid to continue listing.

I start to picture my beloved people absconding one after another.
Could not bring myself to picture another person gone.
Could not bring myself not to think about it either.
It's like a scourge tearing the flesh, yet being trapped in the net, where there seems no escape for it.
Everyone has to leave.

For a moment I thought I was all alone in this world.
Somehow the people who are laughing with me faded to gray.
Then He said, "Let there be light," and there was light.

Rant: Faithless.

2011-01-26T13:18:00.002+08:00

I envy little kids, and teenagers in their early adolescent years. They have such faith that shakes me.

I remember when I was younger (I'm only 18 this year), I was incredibly fed fat with the thought that anything is possible for me (or for a child of God). I don't know when the disbelief commenced, and my grasp of faith loosened.

I feel that I was a cat and saw my reflection in the river... And somehow I was convinced that I was a tiger.

Forgive me. It's just one of the days that I feel out of the norm.

Musing: Born imperfect.

2011-01-24T16:25:00.001+08:00

I definitely am cognizant of the fact that personal subject should not be brought upon work like what I'm doing now - blogging in the toilet.

Yet I feel that this question has a need so forcible that I, a kid in the working force, have to ask in the midst of my work.

I feel that...
Human beings are so... Questionable?
How I do phrase it... It's like...
You think you have an understanding of certain people's mind, yet when the truth unfolds and the true intentions show... You realize that it isn't the bona fide duplicate of what you thought it was.

On blessed days, I have the impression that humans are easily comprehendible. On not so blessed days, I get to know the rough side of things... This is no good... It makes me doubt humans collectively. It makes me go through a mental vicious torment that all human beings fail me. Which is true, because no one in this earth is perfect anymore. Right?

I wonder who started this saying: 好人全都死光了.

Musing: No one better.

2011-01-23T18:36:00.004+08:00

It's pitch dark here though it's only half past six in the evening.
I've pulled down the curtains in my room, locked myself in my room. I don't get myself sometimes, I'm at home alone, why did I bother locking myself...

So this laptop is resting 45 degrees on my bed, it's keyboard resting on my crossed legs. I wonder, as I take a bite from the butter biscuit, how long has it been since I last had a musing..?

I barely slept last night.
It was so agonizing since 3 am, when I awoke to the nagging pain all over my body.
It teased me quite a fair bit, I really thought my life would end there and then.
Gathered up strength to the kitchen and dialed Bb's number.
By God's mercy he had his phone to his ears and heard me moan with agony.

The pain vehemently attacked me throughout the course of my sleep.
I had bad dreams of wild wolves feasting on my flesh,
tearing bits and pieces of me apart with their sharp fangs.
Surreal, yet seemed so real...

I could feel the muscle and fats rupture.
Well, I would've been pleased on normal days that
the latter separates itself from me...
though not last night.
Can I compare it with hell?

I woke up to the nightmare by Bb's call,
reminding me to attend today's church service.
I was apprehensive about the idea,
even speaking over the phone was a great deal of effort.
I guess sometimes the more the circumstance stops you from seeking the Lord,
all the more you should seek the Lord.
Well, thank God I made the silent prayer for strength
and got myself off my feet to prepare to hop in to Bb's cab.

He used his gift upon my flesh, and viola, I was healed.
I felt normal instantly, hopping around,
tantalizing my Boyfriend with my "angelic" voice,
finding joy in making him frustrated with my breakfast.
God, how guilty I am now...
Thank God he's such an understanding Boyfriend,
got me a cup of corn and herbal tea before stepping in to the sanctuary.
I felt like a little girl,
skirting around my father and the father was none other than...
Mr Teh Wen Yew.
You may laugh out loud at me,
I know it's outrageous.

Still wondering if there is anyone out there more perfect for me than Bb?
Guess not.
He's my love no matter what.
Glad it's also true for him.

Episode: A lovely girl's birthday.

2011-01-23T17:34:00.003+08:00

I met up with my lovely colleagues yesterday to celebrate the birthday of our lovely girl. Well, we were three days early.

North Point Party World.

Here's a video of Uncle Yeow Peng aka Lao Beng singing Wa Mng Ti.

He reminds me of Fei Yu Qing...

Birthday girl having fun taking photos :)

I have no idea why Lao Beng gave that face.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YATING <3

May all your wishes come true!

Thank you Nic for the cake :)
He surprised all of us :)

Lao Beng just kept drinking -_-

So cute right the cake!

Eiko and I :)

GO WINNIE.

Girls :)

Ha I despise myself -_-

Kevin ...

Much better.

Winnie and I took so many failed shots all thanks to unprofessional-ism... Here are the two that we deem acceptable.

Lao Beng drank jugs after jugs...

NOBODY NOBODY BUT YOU.

Had a blast before leaving early.

Pardon me, I need some time to think of a proper post to blog about...

Rant: A date at home.

2011-01-16T21:38:00.003+08:00

Hey there, it's been awhile since I wrote here, hasn't it?

Being busy is not an excuse, nor is it a good reason to neglect this personal space of mine... Yet, what else can I say - I really have been soaked wet with my work, so much so that I feel that I've neglected some of my loved ones.

Anyway, I took some photos today. They are still resting in Miumiu, which is in my bag, which is in my room, which Papi is going to have his night inside there for a week (doctor's advice). That means... no photographs to show you guys yet. Apologies.

It makes me wonder how many readers have I left... Lol.

That aside, let me just share how I spent my day. Typical blogger I am.

I woke up to Bb's morning call. It was, embarrassingly, 11 in the morning. I read the texts he left for me in the midnight. I read, reread again, and reread again. I thought I saw something bright in the room, before I realized that it was the messages that brightened up my day. Perfect seems to be the correct word.

I got myself prepared after Mami left for work. Cut an orange, an apple, peeled two bananas (the starchy fruit) and a few grapes. I left for Bb's house.

The time there was awesome. We rented a movie up to the apartment and watched it after he mopped the floor. It was wonderful to have a date at home like this.

I enjoyed my day and I gtg now forgive me ah!

Musing: We think we are better... When we aren't.

2011-01-08T13:03:00.001+08:00

Hello readers, I'm blogging with my awesome gadget in the train. In the midst of absorbing the humble words with a tinge of flamboyance written by Sidney Sheldon. Yes, it won't take you long to realize that I have collected my reservation.

This train cabin consists of a pact of adolescent young adults speaking of sex and parents. They can't be older than 16. Their topic also touched a little on Chinese lessons and the 'bastard' who sits beside one of the young men. (Goodness, I sound as though I am old already.)

What caught me off my reading was how one of them scolded his mum 'ignorant'. I got reminded of my own Beebro, as well as myself. Not something to be proud of...

I remember in CNY '09, I put heavy makeup, dramatic clothes and gothic nails. When Mami saw me she talked to me nicely that at my age I should be putting light makeup (or no makeup at all), light nail colours and sweet teenage dresses. I talked back, 'What do you know? I scared I won't be able to live until the day when I can dress up like an adult. What if I die tomorrow?'

Few months later I realized that, hey, Mami was right. There is a time for everything. Not everything must be done in my way. Willfulness.

I also thought of just now before I opened the gate and leave house, Beebro was doing his homework - writing his Chinese name. Well, you can't expect much from a 4.8-year-old's handwriting but I thought he did a great job, except for his 家. Mami wanted to teach him. As expected, he arrogantly refused. Worse, this was what he said, 'Mummy you dunno one.'

I guess we have lived out of the phase that parents are the smartest and the most beautiful people on earth. They eventually become our enemies during our adolescent years, and we complain that they are too naggy and interfering. We forget that all they ask for is for the best of us.

He has the best for us. Often times, we forget that.

Rant: They are good!

2011-01-07T23:41:00.001+08:00

Here's Yong Hwa and Seohyun aka Yongseo couple for you.

This is Banmal song, written by the both of them. Awesomeness.

Musing: Desperation

2011-01-05T21:37:00.001+08:00

I finished Master of the Game by Sidney Sheldon. He's amazing, and I want more of him. His books, I meant.

I went to AMK library yesterday night after work even after OT, just to finish up the last few pages of the book prior to submerging myself yet again with the wonders of Sheldon's words.

Amazingly, all his books are on loan in EVERY SINGLE library. I made a reservation for two books. Much to my dismay, I am queued behind all the Sheldon-readers that can easily take me one year before get my hands on it. As you might have guessed, I was frustrated. To be even more specific, I was... Depressed. Yes, depressed is the correct word.

No one could be more desperate than me for one little humble book of Sheldon. I walked around almost the entire Ang Mo Kio, and to my dismay AGAIN, I found no bookstore at all. I felt the prick in my eyes before the water dripped. It was no effort to wipe it away...

I was walking with the aid of my iPhone navigation to find my way back home. I saw this Taiwan Bubble Tea shop, guess you all should be familiar with by now, Gong Cha, and decided to give it a try. While queueing, I was brooding over the devastating fact that there isn't a single bookstore in AMK. I thought, am I this desperate for God?

...

Do I feel the need to pray and worship? Need is too mere a word. I should say... Am I this hungry/desperate/burned up for God..?

Sadly, I found my life unworthy of His love yet again.

And I found Him more than worthy to be my Lord and God again.

How much more can He be praised? He's my King. I want Him to be my King.

Rant: WHAT?!

2011-01-03T22:45:00.002+08:00

My favourite bands when I was young (still young... but older by 6 years now) ARE DISBANDED AND I DIDN'T KNOW A SHIT ABOUT IT.

R&B and K-One. Crap, let me bury myself beneath my blanket.

Thank God I still have their old albums with me. Thank God I wasn't a pirate then...

Musing: Deep talk.

2011-01-02T22:42:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry yet again for the lack of updates of my happenings. After all, what is there to say when my life has been busied itself with work, work and work? I remember I stayed in the office till 12.15am before going back home...

Work issues aside, I'm still a human being after all.

Relationship has cost me a great deal of tears these few days, especially Friday night when I decided to remain friends with Bb. It was a hard decision, but well, nothing between us was easy to solve from the very beginning. However, it seemed like nothing happened at all on Saturday (yesterday) when we met up. I never realized how much I can miss one person even though he's just right beside me.

I went to his house today and watched Music and Lyrics. Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore taught me a lesson today. Words are merely words, yet emotions have a deeper meaning to it.

Well, some things happened in between and well... I started communicating to Bb with my writings. Or rather, I just wrote to him and he read and replied. I learned another lesson yet again, that words are not just merely words... They have a deeper meaning. It's not just having the skin of my hand touch the pen and the paper, it's the thoughts and emotions that flowed out as I moved the pen and wrote.

Needless to say, it triggered my tear glands. They made their way onto the blue foolscap as I governed the pen to move. Bb, sweet as he always has been, grabbed some tissue and dried the water away from my cheeks before he took the pen and paper away and illustrated his utmost feelings to me.

It has been so long since we've last had a deep talk. He's my best friend, and my lover.

Musing: Truth or not true at all.

2010-12-25T14:18:00.003+08:00

First of all, I wish you a MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I'm sorry for my inability to update in this space for one week. I had been so busy in work that requires many OT because my department had been very busy during this festive season. A lot of packing and recording :(

I lost the mus. Let me just return to my book and book writing.

Rant: Half specs, another patched.

2010-12-17T22:43:00.003+08:00

Just in case you are wondering what happened to me...

Here's a preview of what I'm looking like now:

HAHAHA LAUGH ALL YOU WANT!

I broke my specs two days ago, and what a nice timing, my contacts tore on me. So... I had no choice but to go to Chew Optics (my fave, cheap contacts and reliable optometrists) to collect my contacts lens ordered like three months ago. Ha ha ha. $120 flew away.

I decided to make a new pair of specs too, but the optometrist said that my right eye is infected (and it really hurts a lot!) and he was unable to measure the degree of my myopia and astigmatism. GOOD NEWS... He even ordered me not to wear contacts for the right eye for one week! WOW! I mean my right eye is the lazy eye and, obviously, has the higher degree of myopia between the two. SO HOW ON EARTH AM I GOING TO WORK TOMORROW?

Just then, I had a brilliant idea. Who am I kidding, I always have brilliant ideas!

Check this out:

NEXCARE ORTHOPTIC EYE PATCH.

I used to wear this when I was young to cure my lazy eye. I wore it less than ten times because I thought it was so freaking ugly and no one would want to make friends with me anymore. I strongly regret it because now my right eye's laziness is super jialat now lah!

Anyway, back to topic. I thought of using this to cover up my right eye while working, and cover up my left eye to cure my lazy eye at home! Smart idea right! The thing is... one small packet of 20 patches costs me near $15. Imma go bang wall and die of poverty...

So for these two weeks before I go and make my specs again, I'm going to wear this patch and be Johnny Depp's best friend. Or Orlando Bloom, perhaps.

Rant: YES I GOT IT!

2010-12-17T14:49:00.001+08:00

Praise You who is Almighty!

Didn't expect to get the job, because they stated in the email that they prefer someone with Diploma in any field or Bachelor-Degree, but me, a person with a mere 'O' level certificate is confirmed to be their 4 months temporary staff!

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

Their pay for me is relatively high for my qualification, and it's just according to what I prayed for everyday in my prayer. Almost every alternate page in my SJ you'll see the words like "God, give me a job that pays me $8/hr". Even though this is calculated by monthly salary, it suffices up to my prayer, and it is my take-home pay. Don't get what I mean? Means this is the amount that has been deducted for CPF!

Come, celebrate with me and tell me that God is awesomely awesome!

Mad love mad love mad love it! Though the location is somewhere in the industrial area, Senoko, but it definitely is one of the most well-established buildings there. Mad love!

Thank you Bb, Melvin, Meimei as well as Papi for praying. Thank you Gor and Aunt for wishing me all the best. Love you all.

Episode: Another Interview.

2010-12-17T11:22:00.002+08:00

Wow, God is really awesome, He let me be one of the few shortlisted interviewees to go for second round of interview recommended by Recruit Express. I rejected them though, because it doesn't give me the package that I prayed for. God is faithful.

I'm going in for another interview at Indoguna later on, to be their administrative staff.
Excited, I should say.

The chances of me getting in is very slim because they prefer higher qualifications, but I'm just an 'O' level cert holder. Not really holder though, SP has my certificate with the, for some shitty reasons.

Anyway, all the best to me, folks!

Episode: My First Job interview.

2010-12-14T14:08:00.001+08:00

Hi people I'm currently at Recruit Express, waiting to be called in for interview.

It's my first ever job interview and I'm rather cool with it. I mean yes, after working for so many companies, THIS IS MY FIRST OFFICIAL JOB INTERVIEW. Wow, claps.

I'm applying for a temporary job as an admin assistant until school starts next year.

The thing is, there are just SO MANY people here for interview! And out of these many people, only 10 will be recruited.

I am not nervous now, I know I can speak well and I know I will impress the interviewer with God by my side. I am confident, I know I will do well with God's presence reigning.

I had been praying for a temporary admin job that only requires me to work on Monday to Thursday, so I can go for BB parades on Friday and church on Saturday. It was just so divine then when I clicked on the first link that Jobstreet.com sent me (I never paid attention to their job recommendations), and I saw that they only require the temp admin stuff to work for four days a week! Let's pray that this job will be right for me, vice versa.

Above all, let's pray that out of all these applicants, I will be one of the ten chosen ones to work for this company.

I thank You, Lord and God's people shout an awesome AMEN!

Rant: What's the use of saying sorry?

2010-12-13T20:56:00.001+08:00

Okay I apologized to her. Here's what I got, "Shout already. Say sorry for what. Sorry no use."

I asked, "Then what else can I do?"

She replied me with this, "There is nothing you can do."

I want to cry so badly. Why is it so hard to be a Christian? God, answer me...

Musing: I'm sorry Gran...

2010-12-13T20:22:00.001+08:00

Hi people, I'm feeling very emotional now.

I just came back from running and gym, and was super high tide for some reason. I came back home only to realize that my room door was locked. Definitely, I grew frustrated.

I asked gran if she locked the door. She said she didn't, maybe it was the wind. The problem was: My key was in the room. According to my aunt three days ago when she, too, was locked out, there was no other key already. One is with her and one is with me. My aunt wasn't around. What did it mean? It meant: there was no other way to get into the room.

I tried kicking like in HK police dramas when just by one solid kick, the door would open. Much to my dismay, for seven times I kicked, seven times it failed. My pee was boiling in my bladder then. Just to let you know, uncle was bathing in the other toilet. There was no other place I could pee, besides in the hall.

He came out of the shower and took the key from God knows where and opened my door, before he started scolding me, "TAKE KEYS ONLY WHAT, MAKE SO MUCH NOISE FOR WHAT!"

Of course my blood was already boiling. Partly because he is my least favorite uncle. I screamed back, "IT'S OPENED NOW, SO WHAT'S THE USE OF SCOLDING ME?"

Gran, as usual, sided her son. She screamed, "SCREAM FOR WHAT? NOT AS IF HE LOCKED THE DOOR?"

I did a very wrong move - I screamed back at her, "IMAGINE IF IT WAS YOU WHO WAS LOCKED OUT AND HIGH TIDE. WHAT WILL YOU DO?" and I slammed the door shut until now.

I wept and wept, and prayed. I am so guilty now. I want to run out to her and apologize. Yet at the same time I also want to let her know that she had been unfair to me for so long. Each time when uncle did something wrong to me, she always sided him. How can I let her know that I am very upset now..? How can I let her know that she cannot take me for granted? Must I be the underdog?

I thought of past sermons, past cell group messages. Most of it that rang a bell to me, telling me that "yes, I should be the underdog and apologize. Forgive not seven times, but seventy-seven times." Seventy-seven times means every single time, even the seventy-eighth time, the seventy-ninth time, I will still have to apologize and forgive.

I sinned in my anger. I brought down the name of God. I am unworthy. Yet His love wiped my tears away, letting me know that He is still here. Sigh, when can I be godly and let my life count before God?

Musing: They can, but I can't.

2010-12-13T15:11:00.006+08:00

There are just so many things I want to rant about...

Some friends and I talked about why I chose to leave Chemical Engineering and inherit this desire to go Media Communications over dinner last night, at Victoria Street or somewhere there.

I felt terribly uncomfortable and somewhat affected by the conversation we had. It seemed as if my confidence had been struck out totally, when everything I said was countered by something more powerful. Yet there was this part of me that said to myself: Hold on to what you want. If it is not Science, it is not Science. So after praying before I slept last night, I became very clear of what I want: Language, Management, Humanities, Mathematics... but NOT Science.

I woke up this morning and called up MOE, and thank God they picked up the phone this time. I received the knowledge that I CANNOT use JAE to apply for poly courses again, and I'll have to contact the poly to know how I can apply for the courses again. Thus my trip to SP.

They handed me this booklet and told me that I have to apply through DAE instead, and priority will be given to JAE students. I went on to read further and realized that my Combined Humanities (D7) CANNOT LET ME IN TO BOTH DTVM AND DMC!

I eventually got over it, and searched for all the other poly courses that I am interested apply for.

Here is the list of the courses:

NP Chinese Studies (I can be a teacher!)
NP Early Childhood Education (I can be a teacher too!)
SP Business Administration (errrr... Okay weird.)
SP Financial Informatics (I can be an accountant!)
TP Law and Management (YES LANGUAGES AND MANAGEMENT)
SP Digital Media (okay, not really into digital stuff...)
SP Information Technology
TP Apparel Design and Merchandising
SP Hotel and Leisure Facilities Management
SP Integrated Events and Project Management

When I said I wanted to join Chinese Studies, Abigail went berserk and tweeted to me that I should never join Chinese Studies. Reason: I'm better in English. The fact is ... I'm much better in Chinese, haha!

I realized that people say things because they don't know me. What got me disgusted is not this, but I actually get swayed by the comments/recommendations! Someone told me that I should take a gap year to seriously decide on where I should go. I know I want to be a teacher, I want to be a pastor, I want to be a mentor... yet somehow people judge me by my current ability.

If I'm not really good at something (someone said I'm not good in writing), then should I not be involved in that thing? I.e. Writing course? If it weren't for passion, I wouldn't want to join right? It's because I love to write, I love to teach, I love to talk, then I join that course, no? If I like, I'm going to enjoy the joy and the pain of the course, no? Do I HAVE to be good in something to join something? I.e., Maths? Languages? Chemistry? (But I love Maths and languages lah)

People can don't know me, but they must not make me lose my identity and forget about who I am. I live for God and His path for me, not what they say and what they think of me. Am I right?

Rant: My room was on fire!

2010-12-12T13:11:00.004+08:00

Just in case you're thinking, "Sure or not, sure some blow cow shit load of crap" after you have read the title... Yes, it was on fire. I was too panicked to take the photo of the fire though. Photos of the aftermath was taken.

I was bathing last night after my aunt was done pooping. The heater wasn't switched on but I don't know why, somehow the water was still warm when the heater was not switched on. I realized it when I was bathing like say one month ago, when I forgot to turn on the heater, but the heater was still working. Do you get what I mean? Like, you did not switch on the heater switch, but the water is warm according to how you set it in the shower?

So naturally, being a money-saver (I am a money-saver, okay!), I decided not to switch on my heater anymore, since the heater will still run on its own. Duh, I mean who'd be so dumb to switch it on right. Gran turns on her heater 24-7 though.

In the midst of my shower, the heater light was flickering. So I thought, uh stupid problem again. It happened before, but nothing happened, the water was still warm the previous time it happened, and the light stopped flickering. However, it stopped yesterday, and the water was cold. I was like "O.O I CAN'T BATHE IN COLD WATER, ESPECIALLY IN THE MIDNIGHT?!" but continued bathing nonetheless.

I heard my guitar drop *heart breaks* and my aunt screamed. While I was thinking in my heart: Guitar drop only what scream for what, also not your guitar. My heart more pain ㅠ_ㅠ, my aunt was screaming something like "skjgbaslgj (didn't get what she say) 掉了!" (Translation: skjgbaslgi drop already!)

I ignored her, obviously, because I thought it was the guitar that dropped. Which is true anyway. Whilst drying myself, I smelled some smokey thing so I changed as fast as I could and went out to see. Alas! The switch of the heater was on fire! Who in the right mind will start zilian-ing at that moment right, of course take water from toilet and extinguish it right?

Thus, I missed one good post because I didn't take photo of the fire. The whole room was smokey and stunk of smoke - those electricity smoke (like those smoldering machine).

Photos below are the aftermath:

"Safety" oh the irony...

Episode: I 'blog' about my spiritual life.

2010-12-12T00:27:00.001+08:00

Yes I'm starting my spiritual journal again. Of course I know it's not blogging (web-logging) or something, but yeah just trying to sound cool. Apparently I failed.

Anyway, yes, I've decided to start my spiritual journal again. I've used up so many Bukit View exercise books as my spiritual journals, completed one after another and saw my life change. It was when I was sec 2, when I was most on fire for Christ. It helped me grow a whole lot in the Word, and thus I'm going to kick start the journey again. Might be creating a new blog for it, still considering. If I ever start a blog as an eSpiritualJournal, the reason will just be purely to encourage you or any other readers to continue running the race for God.

Okay cool, aunt is snoring beside me imma sleep now, waking up at 6am to run with my new Nike Lunar Elite :) Photos of it will be uploaded tomorrow because I'm going to sleep!

Love you all, nights.

Lyrics: Dear Mom (SNSD)

2010-12-11T13:07:00.005+08:00

This tears brought me back to tears. Well, this song is for Gran, not my mothers.

오늘은 왠지 힘들고 지쳐
For some reason, today, I'm worn out and tired.
베개를 끌어안은 채 혼자 방안에 남아
Hugging the pillow in my room alone

전화길 만지작거리는 나의 마음이
Fiddling with my phone, and my heart is,
웬지 오늘따라 외로운거죠
For some reason, lonely

갑자기 울린 전화에 놀라
I was startled by the sudden ringing of my phone
밥 먹었는지 걱정하 엄마 목소리가
"Have you eaten?" It was my mother's worried voice

귀찮게 들렸던 그 말이 오늘은 다른걸
The words that usually annoyed me seemed different today
잊고 있었던 약속들이 떠올라요
Those forgotten promises are remembered

마음이 예쁜 사람이 될게요
I will be a person with a pretty heart
남을 먼저 생각하는 사람 될게요
I will be a selfless person
엄마의 사랑의 바램들을 지켜갈게요
I'll protect the expectations of a mum's love
나와 꿈을 함께 나누던 내 머릴 빗겨주던 엄마가 생각나
I will think of the mother who shared my dreams and brushed my hair

때론 잘못된 선택들로 아파했지만
Despite making wrong and hurtful choices
아무 말 없이 뒤에서 지켜봐 주셨죠
You silently watched me from behind
서툴고 어린 아이지만 이젠 알 것 같아요
Although I'm a child who doesn't understand much
엄마의 조용한 기도의 의미를
I think I know the meaning of a mom's silent prayer

어떡하죠 아직 작은 내 맘이
What do I do? My heart is still small
엄마의 손을 놓으면 혼자 잘할 수 있을지
If I let go of my mom's hand, will I be okay on my own?
아직 부족한 것 같아 난 두려운 걸요
I still fear that I will lack so much

지혜로운 엄마의 딸 될게요 (나에게 용기를 줘요)
I will be my mother's wise daughter (Give me strength)
어딜가도 자랑스런 딸이 될게요 (You've been there for me)
I will be a praiseworthy daughter wherever I go (You've been there for me)
엄마의 사랑의 바램들을 지켜갈게요
I'll protect the expectations of my mom's love
한없이 보여준 사랑만큼
Like the unconditional love you've shown me
따스한 맘을 가질게요
I'll have a warm heart
수줍어 자주 표현 못했죠
I was shy and often could not express
엄마 정말로 사랑해요
That mom, I really love you